Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Hummer Drivers Should Rot in Hell and Other Tuesday Morning Musings

No matter how long I’ve lived here, Massachusetts drivers never cease to amaze and infuriate me. This morning was a classic example. Work crews were repairing the guard rails that had been smashed to bits by idiot drivers on Route 128, thereby necessitating the closure of the right lane for about a half mile. Appropriate signage instructing motorists to merge left was posted, and so I merged when told. Everyone else in the right lane continued speeding down the highway until the last possible second only to cut off those who had done what they were told.

I had already let in three such miscreants when the driver of a monstrous Hummer decided that the three inches separating my car from the bumper of the car in front of me was sufficient for merging. He didn’t look; he didn’t signal. Instead, he nearly murdered me. My compact car’s horn is anything but compact, and that was the only thing that saved me from tomorrow’s obituary pages. Bad enough that he’s guzzling up the world’s resources and driving a car so expensive that it outranks several countries’ GDPs, but he has to nearly kill me to prove how big he is (well, isn’t, but that’s another story)? Ass.

In other news, the online dating gods did indeed smile upon me and the guy called me Monday night. He’s from France and lived in Italy for several years before coming to this country, which means that he has a double-dose of that continental charm. Much of our conversation consisted of his flattering the ever-loving dickens out of me (“Your photo was unlike all the other girlz on zee site. You have mystery, and you know who you are. Men have to be up to meeting your challenge…”), which would have worked marvelously, had I not known that most of it was bullshit. My friends are telling me to go for it and go out with him (“At least you’ll get a fantastic dinner out of the deal. And wine!”), but I don’t know. Any advice?


RICH said...

oh don't get me started on the Hummer drivers. soooooo pretentious. why would anyone want one of those things other than to say: "look at me"!!

I bet you drive a VW am I right? I drive a jetta. Not considered a "manly car" but it's cheap and good on the old i don't care what onyone thinks.

Robyn said...

First, I know someone with a big hummer who bought a smaller one for his teenage son to drive to school. It was amazing--the kid is destined for misery.

Second, hmm, I'm not sure how to advise. On one hand, it seems scary, but I can be a coward. On the other hand, it's an adventure, and you wouldn't want to miss out on the possibilities. No help here, sorry.

dive said...

Go for it.
He sounds a really sleazy bullshitter, but as you say, it's a free meal, and he's European, which I approve of in my biased way. A higher class of sleazy bullshit (said the sleazy bullshitter) …

As for Hummers: "Hung like a cashew" is all that needs to be said.

Carissa said...

I love how your comments are now "sasses back!"

My vote is to go for at least one date....good dinner and more rediculous flattery can't do anything but wonders. Consider it your Christmas present to yourself.


I know how you feel about the driving. Nobody here considers anyone else on the road. You can see an accident any given day. Once I saw two, within an hour and one block of each other.

And I say go for it. :) Fun is fun, and there is no sense in turning down an opportunity to have a good night just because the guy doesn't seem to realize you have a brain. lol I met my hubby from an online dating site, he's not so awful. ;)

Devin said...

I know one Hummer owner and he is the greatest gobshite it's ever been my sorrow to come across.
Do you remember the Dilbert strip where he asks what fuel is used in a Hummeresque SUV?
The answer was "Liquified owls" It may as well be.

I say go for it on the date thing.if nothing else it'll be good blog material and who knows? He could be legit.(About the same chances of me buying a Hummer..I keed)
Like rich I have a VW Jetta too.I get a feeling about you......

Old Knudsen said...

A froggie Eyetie, you know what I'm going to say so i won't bother, show us your picture gurl lets see whats so different. As for the hummer, not on a first date.

Before Girl said...

I hate the last minute changers as well as the ones who are trying to get on to 93 south from 128 and block up the other lanes because they are trying to get further down the line of people waiting on the On ramp. I honk at them nearly every morning. Of course, I could just change lanes quickly to just drive past them, but no, I stay purposely just to honk. :)

It also helps to think, "Huh, big car. He must have a small penis." Try it.

Sassy Sundry said...

Sorry for the delay in commenting on the comments. I had "warehouse" duty yesterday and could barely walk afterwards.

Rich, I drive a Nissan Sentra. Jettas are great, and plenty manly.

Robyn, that kid is destined for disappointment. I went to school with a girl whose father got her a Corvette for her 16th birthday. She crashed it.

Dive, I'm considering the date. I don't feel excited about the prospect of going out with him, but I just might do it anyway.

Carissa, glad you approve of the "sasses back." I thought it was appropriate.

Welcome, Kitty <3! Drivers are insane, and I'll consider the date. I've done the online dating thing before (it's how I met Ex-Boyfriend), so it's not that. It's just that I'm not sure if I'm up for dating this guy. It's just a date, though, so who knows.

Devin, I love the word gobshite. It's great. I'm going to use it. I think that everyone except Robyn is saying to go for it (and even she qualifies her statement). A bad date would be good blog fodder, wouldn't it?

Knudsen, I'm trying to keep this thing anonymous, but perhaps I will post a photo sometime. My friends and I had a joke about those kind of hummers and how you couldn't give them to hummer drivers because.... well, cashews come to mind.

Before Girl, I hear you. Tiny, tiny, tiny.

Ms Mac said...

If I had my way, all Hummers would be crushed. Who actually needs a vehicle that size? Is it not bad enough that the roads are taken up by pretentious prats in their 4 wheel drives which have never been off raod?

Ugghhh! I could go on for hours.

Bock the Robber said...

This guy sounds like he's from Old Europe.

Hmmm. Worrying.

Would that be Europe, Texas?

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