Sunday, December 17, 2006

Denied! Sassy Sundry Comes in Second Place at Tacky Gift Party

Tacky was on full display at this year’s Tacky Gift extravaganza. Among the food and drink items: Twinkie sushi (made with the Hostess goodies; green fruit roll-ups, and little red candy sprinkles); Cajun coconut Spam fritters (never have I been so happy to be a vegetarian); a jello ring; a heart-shaped, ugly Santa cake; a platter of Twinkies, Sno-balls, Devil Dogs, and strange Christmas tree-things; wine coolers; boxed wine (apparently it tasted like cherry Kool-Aid gone bad); spray American cheese and Ritz crackers; and a few normal items and beverages so we could actually eat and drink. The décor was delightful; the centerpiece on the food table was this ceramic vase-like oddity featuring two horses and a pink-and-blue floral bouquet. No one really understood it until some wise attendee affixed the penis eraser floating around the party in the correct place for one of the horses.

jello and cajun coconut spam fritters

Cajun Coconut Spam Fritters and the sad remains of the Jello Ring

And the gifts were profoundly disturbing. I received a beautiful lovers statue regifted from a couple’s daughter’s Yankee swap party (“Someone really gave this to children,” shuddred my friend). I dubbed it the Sexy Oscar and shouted “You like me! You really, really like me!” as I held it aloft. Other notable gifts included a self-help guide from the freak show formerly known as Tammy Faye Baker (among the pearls of wisdom: change your jewelry with nail polish!), a warped child bride musical carousel, a disgusting wind-up gag sex toy, a plaque saying “If you hear hoof beats, don’t think of zebras!” (people were offering good money for that one—it was strangely fantastic), and an ear key chain that said “Lobes of fun!” on it. My hideous patriotic Thomas Kinkade bear, despite the fact that it also had a pronounced camel toe, came in second. The winner was a Santa toilet seat cover, with a beard that would overhang the lid. For sheer nastiness, that gift won. In my gift’s defense, I will say that I personally cannot imagine someone giving someone a Santa toilet seat cover for a holiday gift. But the people spoke, and Ol’ Yellow Beard won.

Tacky Tableau

Tacky Tableau

I am consoling myself with the thought that coming in second at Tacky Gift is in and of itself kind of tacky. It will have to do until next year. Sniff.

Shelf of tacky

The Sexy Oscar Joins the Shelf of Tacky


Robyn said...

The statue is a real prize! I hate Jello in any shape and I hate Twinkies and I hate Spam. All combined though, it sounds like a lot of fun.

Do you look at the table of prizes and wonder about the people who invented them? Somebody actually sat down and thought that the Santa toilet seat cover was a good idea and that Tammy Faye had something of value to say.

dive said...

What an awesome Return of the Jedi lunchbox!
And the Saint Francis of Asissi hologram is pretty cool, too.

Sounds like a brilliant evening, Sassy. Reminds me of our old college bad taste parties (if I can find any photos a post will be forthcoming).

And you should have won. That bear was truly tacky, rather than just kitsch trash like the toilet seat.
And thank you for being the first of our blogpals to use the term "camel toe". Hee hee.

Sassy Sundry said...

Robyn, Spam, Twinkees, and Jello are perfectly disgusting, aren't they? The party's great fun; we've been having it for years. I know what you mean about the whole planning process. We were wondering if the acquiring editor of Tammy Faye's self-help book was fired.

Dive, I'm glad you like my lunchbox and other sundries. And thank you for seconding my opinion that I should have won. Happy to oblige with "camel toe." It was the truth---those little patriotic pants did not fit very well.

Carissa said...

I can't believe you didn't win! I agree....who would give someone a santa toilet seat cover? I mean really. That's the kind of thing you only buy for yourself.

I dig your statue. That's pretty funny, too.

Old Knudsen said...

Robyn don't be a hater. I used camel toe in a really bad blog post joke once, it was about an arab whose camel had broken doon, so he needed ..........
I didn't say it was funny, Is camel toe sexy or is it just me?

Sassy Sundry said...

Carissa, I know. I know. Have a wonderful trip, and may the TSA not confiscate your knitting.

Knudsen, I've never met anyone who thought that camel toes were sexy. Someone needs to do it, though, so be my guest.

Annie Rhiannon said...

Oh, you have a can of Spam, very nerdy — I like it.

I "marked" your Haiku over at my place, by the way.

Sassy Sundry said...

Yes, the can of Spamalot Spam has made close friends with Fluff and St. Francis of Assisi Hologram. I'm sure Sexy Oscar will fit right in. You were right about the haiku---I forgot to add the "Shit," before the last line.

RICH said...

congrats on a second place finish there's nothing like being runner up in the world of tacky. Now that's tacky!!

Sassy Sundry said...

That's the thought I've been consoling myself with, Rich.