Out of the Mouths of Young Coworkers

The other day, my young coworker announced that she had seen the strangest thing right outside our office.

“What was it?” I asked.

Full of breathy wonder my coworker proceeded to describe a bizarre anthropological phenomenon akin to a primitive religious ceremony, or the Monolith in 2001. “There was this truck, and it drove up really fast and parked in front of the building. A bunch of people gathered around it. And then! The silver flaps of the truck opened up, and there was food! And pizza! It was kind of like a miracle!” Her eyes dazzled as she contemplated the mystery of it all.

The miracle in question? The lunch truck that comes every day around noon. She’d never seen one before.

If you haven’t seen one before, the Miracle Truck (as it has come to be called) is something like an ice cream truck for adults. The Miracle Truck has all kinds of strange foods for sale, including Fluffernutter sandwiches and egg salad. We’re still trying to figure out why if Fluff is food, pizza is not. The pizza may or may not be a miraculous non-food, but for $1.25 a slice, it’s pretty damn good.

Ah, the joys of watching a young person learn about the working week.

The Power of the Paper Prayer Rug

Something good is about to happen!

My leg will be healed, because I received a paper prayer rug in the mail.

If I return it in a special envelope, my leg will get better, I’ll get $46,000, AND a new car.

Here’s how it works.

I take this paper prayer rug, on LOAN to me from St. Matthew’s Churches of Tulsa, Oklahoma, and stare at the purple picture of Jesus. His eyes appear to be closed, but as you stare intently into the picture, they open and start looking at you. It’s true! They do open. And it isn’t an optical illusion; it’s the power of the paper prayer rug.

After you see Jesus’ eyes, you go and kneel on the prayer rug, being careful to touch both knees to it. I’m afraid I can’t kneel right now, but I’m hoping that by sitting in a chair and holding the paper prayer rug up to my knees it will still work.

Then, I need to fold up the prayer rug and return it in a special envelope, along with a sheet of paper detailing my prayer requests and how much I’d like to donate. I will receive a free spiritual blessing in return.

Remember! This is the next morning!

Oh dear. I broke the seal on my prophecy before I returned the prayer rug. Do you think my leg will still get better? Maybe I’ll only get $23,000 and a Yugo. Help me, paper prayer rug!