Hey! Someone Stole My Homework and Posted It on the Internet!

My boss forwarded these to us today. Sadly, these remind me of the snarky answers I used to give to math questions. Now I wear polyester pants and serve trans-fat fries, and my geeky friends make money by the truckload (of course, one of them is balding and already has the sports car, but who's keeping score?).

Knudsen's Muse

So enough of my dating life already. There’s something even better!

Today I was Knudsen’s muse! Just when I thought that the old man didn’t love me anymore, he picks my comment to his Fat Arse Tuesday post to write a post about Ass Wednesday. My Catholic sister would not be impressed, but I am tickled pink as a baby’s bottom.

Happy Ass Wednesday!

The Sassy Sundries: My Week in Review

Here’s yet another mathematical accounting of things personal, political, and sundry in my life. I’ve stolen the idea from Boston’s Weekly Dig’s Bean Counter column. They don’t seem to have much by way of mathematical skills, either. Thanks to Before Girl for pointing out the error of my simple arithmetic last week. At least she doesn't pick on my pre-coffee comments.

I have a date with McIntriguing tomorrow evening. Plus Ten

According to Salon.com’s War Room, a recent Pew Research Center, the words most commonly volunteered to describe W are “incompetent” and “arrogant.” “Ass” comes in at number 13. Here’s to the Ass-in-Chief, our leader. Minus Three

I got to see Dear Prudence for the first time in ages. It was a good, if not nearly long enough, visit. Plus Five

Unlike the US Senate, the House has a spine. This week’s debate on the non-binding Iraq War resolution gives me some hope that Congress might start standing up to the Administration. Plus Two

Meanwhile, the war rages on, and the Democrats are scared about being called weak on defense. Minus Five

V-Day passed without incident. Even

Winter weather finally decided to show up. Even though it was mostly freezing rain, I still got that snowed-in feeling. Plus Two

I had a nasty case of the flu. Minus Three

“Raspberry Beret” just came on my iPod. One. Two. One, two, three, uh! Plus One

Plus Total: 20
Minus Total: 11
Total for the Week: Plus 9
Last Week’s Total: Bad Math

Wintry Evening

Well, Storm of the Century it was not, but at least I’ve had my snowed-in fix for the year. I left work early to beat the ice and mayhem and planned to work at home. Instead, I made a delicious lunch of toasted Gruyere sandwich, green beans, and rosemary potatoes (oh, and a small glass of wine); called people to see if they were snowed in; and did about an hour’s worth of work over espresso. Then I watched Casablanca. My Tennessee friend chided me for this, as we are supposed to watch nothing but slasher flicks on V-D, but what can I say? The weather made me feel romantic.

Here’s what I looked at this morning, kids.

Nightmare Movie

While I was home visiting my parents we played a little game we called Nightmare Movie. In Nightmare Movie, the players create the worst movie they can think of. Here was my entry:

Plot: An adaptation of a John Grisham novel
Director: Mel Gibson
Leading Actor: Tom Cruise
Supporting Actor: Tom Hanks
Leading Actress: Melanie Griffith
Supporting Actress: Julia Roberts
Bit Players: Meg Ryan, Gene Hackman, Danny DeVito, and Rosie O’Donnell

Considering that we started playing this game on the fly, I thought I came up with a pretty good answer. Too bad my poor father thinks that John Grisham is the Great American Novelist of his generation. He also thinks Meg Ryan is cute. I felt a bit mean, but that’s what Nightmare Movie is all about. So what about you, what’s your nightmare movie?

Blerugh! Adventures with the Flu

I’m alive. I even kept down some toast, and right now I’m nibbling on some muesli. Life was not fun (or at all pretty) for a while there, but I think I’m on the mend. Three cheers for the wasting illness diet plan!

I’ll be posting again soon. I can’t let V-D go unmocked.

The Sassy Sundries: My Week in Review

Here I consider matters personal, political, and nonsensical from my week and assign a numerical value. I’ve stolen this idea from the Boston’s Weekly Dig’s Bean Counter column.

Spineless Republicans supposedly in favor of a non-binding resolution criticizing the president’s ill-conceived surge vote against debating the measure. Minus Five

I reconnected with a friend, and it was good. Plus Four

RIP, Anna Nicole Smith, victim of stereotype and the media. She had nary a brain cell in her head, but that makes it all the more reprehensible that people reveled in her exploitation. Minus Two

A most interesting e-mail exchange with McIntriguing has me smiling a lot. Plus Five

I had to resort to platitudes to calm myself down while I waited for the e-mail to ring. Minus One

Bush’s foreign “policy” of late has me even more worried than usual. This article lays out the sheer idiocy of the Administration’s posturing on Iran. And although this article James sent me doesn’t have a lot of new information, it lays out a very convincing case for the real motivations behind our Middle East policy. Minus Five

I got to knit with Grey’s when the show was actually on. Thanks, Carissa! (If you haven’t checked out her critique of the show’s location issues and other crimes against Seattle, you should. It’s a scream.) Plus Four

I’m going to New Hampshire tonight, and I’m going to see my favorite dog. Oh, and my parents. That will be nice too. Plus Three

Plus Total: 16
Minus Total: 16

Verdict: Even
Last Week’s Total: Minus 1

My Platitude Juju

An example of “Inspirational Nietzsche”
from the world of graphic design

Buried among my worldly possessions is my collection of “inspirational Nietzsche” memorabilia. I’ve collected cards, travel coffee cups, watches (the “Eternal Return”—that one’s pretty funny), and bits of paper. I get such a kick out of Nietzsche, of all things, being taken out of context and used to inspire ladies to write nice cards and such. Our soul flies to Hallmarkland.

It’s not just inspirational Nietzsche that brings out my inner snob, though. It’s platitudes and inspirational sayings in general that raise my hackles. That’s not to say that I don’t love hearing words that make people think. Twist those words into smarmy advice and share proverbial wisdom with me, though, you’ll get a sneer and rolled eyes, and if I’m feeling especially prickly, you’ll also get an earful about why the wisdom is crap.

I’m not mean, really. My resistance to the proverb is a reaction to my churchy upbringing. I enjoyed exploring the complexity of life, and having observations and questions reduced to something Benjamin Franklinesque seemed insulting and cowardly.

Today, though, I need something insultingly simple to channel my nervous energy. So I’ve re-crafted a proverb for the digital age. A watched inbox never gets any mail.

See, I’m waiting for a message. After yet more shenanigans from the Mean Online Dating Gods who once again tried to foul in my cyber love life, I’ve been having a most interesting exchange a most interesting lad. Too bad PhilosopherPants is taken, because that would have suited him too. I shall call him IntriguingPants instead.

IntriguingPants is well-read, well-traveled, and funny as hell. He’s tall, and his photos show someone who is good-looking and happy. IntriguingPants has said that he’s intrigued by me. Since we’ve both had trouble with the Mean Online Dating Gods interfering with our messages, he suggested that I write him at his “real” e-mail address. So I did.

And now I’m waiting for the reply. I have checked my damn inbox a hundred times. I’ve received other messages. One guy’s into ballroom dancing, which could be really fun. Another seems like a great guy who might be fun to have a beer with sometime. But I have yet to hear again from IntriguingPants.

I have work to do. I need to stop checking my inbox. He’s going to write. I can’t see why he wouldn’t. Things seem to be going just fine. The only question is when he’s going to get around to doing it. I keep hoping that the answer to when is now, and so I keep checking my inbox. This has to stop.

Hence, my platitude juju. A watched inbox never gets any mail. The efficacy of this wisdom saying is two-fold. First, it tells me not to check my inbox. Second, it implies that if I leave my inbox alone, a message will magically appear.

I’m sneering and rolling my eyes at myself. Maybe I just need to give up and get back to my knitting. Nietzsche’s pissed at me.

***Update: It worked like a charm. I'm a platitude convert.***

And the Word of the Day is Spineless

I knew it. Just when I began to hope that a few Republicans had seen the light on Iraq, they showed me once again why that party is not to be trusted. Led by the nose by Mitch McConnell and Trent Lott (remember him—the guy who praised Strom Thurmond’s run for the presidency on a blatantly racist platform?), Senators Chuck Hegel and John Warner voted against debate on the non-binding resolutions criticizing the president’s ill-conceived surge. Spineless. And hypocritical—what happened to all the high-handed talk about the “nuclear option” if the Democrats used such procedural maneuvers when the Republicans had all the power?

I'd say this was unbelievable, but the thing is, I completely believe it.

Monday Melee

All these tags! I’m not sure If I’m going to do this one every week (I rather like the little list I did last week), but I’ll try most things once. If I like it, I’ll try it again.

1. The Misanthropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.
I hate that we hate. It seems to me that most of our problems stem from this tendency.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
The Bush Administration’s plan to go to war with Iran. They’re doing it to cover up a failed policy in Iraq and to satisfy Cheney’s jones to start WWIII.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
It’s bloody freezing in this office, and my hands hurt they are so cold. And it still hasn’t snowed for real here yet. And, it’s Monday. I hate Mondays.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
My blog pals make me think and laugh. I like them.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
I have all my own teeth (minus my lost wisdom). Thanks to whitening strips, they even look decent right now.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
I wish, I wish, I wish I was walking around some new city in the spring. It would be nice if there was some nice lad walking around with me.

Ice on My Window Makes Me Chilly

Greetings from a cold, yet beautiful, morning.

My Week in Review

Boston's Weekly Dig has a column called the Bean Counter where they assign numerical values to the week's events. I thought I would do my own. Behold, the Sassy Sundries.

I joined another online dating site and got six guys trying to instant message me at once. Plus Two

None of them were really my type. Minus One

City of Boston brought to its knees by Lite Brite. I can’t stop laughing. Plus One

Everyone keeps calling it a “terrorist hoax,” even though it was just a marketing campaign and wasn’t meant to scare anyone. Minus One

The guys employed by Turner Network to hang the “bombs” monkey around with the press and talk about hairstyles. Plus Three

Molly Ivins, one of the sharpest, sassiest, and insightful columnists in the country dies. Minus Four

Dive’s reaction to finding out that I was a cheerleader. Plus Five

Scientists from around the world state unequivocally that global warming is real and that the burning of fossil fuels is the culprit. Plus Five

Bush won’t do anything about it except talk about nuke-u-lar power. Minus Four

The Administration wants to go to war with Iran. I had been hoping that Seymour Hersh’s New Yorker article was wrong, even though I knew better. Minus Five

We haven’t had real snow yet, and it’s freaking me out. Minus Two

Plus Total: 16
Minus Total: 17

Total for the Week: Minus 1

If my math's wrong, tough. The Dig messes it up too.